As an evolving writer, I’ve had to come to terms with things about myself as a writer and person. I’ve realized that you’ll find the writer you are to become when you learn who you are. One of the most challenging lessons that I’ve had to learn is that I’ve become a different person without even noticing.
Find The Writer I Used To Know
I remember having so many ideas that would come to me in my dreams. I would spend hours lying in bed, listening to music, and daydreaming about all sorts of adventures and different characters I wanted to write about in my stories. Every book I read was the potential to trigger a new story of my own.
When I was in college, we received reading lists of books that I’d never heard of before. It was always a daunting list to go through, but in the end, it would open so many different worlds to me. We would have these fantastic discussions where the professor would present an idea that I’d never thought of previously. It would be just the right key I needed to get my thought process going. We’d discuss topics that I’ve been waiting, all my life, to talk with someone who had all the information I sought.
The writing world was mine for the taking; I had the teachers, the right tools, and more time than I realized.
Hindsight can be a real bitch. Isn’t that just the way?
Sometimes I wonder if no one ever told me how all of this would be or if I was too careless to pay attention. Even now, when I’ve had all the time in the world, I spent it like it was just another summer vacation.
Learning Who You Are
I’ve learned that if I want this to be my life, to write every day, and to live by it, I would need to discover some things about myself and learn to let go. It seems to be a common theme in my blog writing, learning to let things go, to learn who you are, find the writer. And here it is, I need to learn that I am not the person I used to be. I need to find out about the person that I’ve become and adjust.
I think what has made writing so hard for me today is that I don’t know how to write as who I am. I’ve become an adult who worries about car bills, having credit card debt, health insurance, health issues (I’m diabetic), taking care of pets, managing my household, and other bills while dealing with dead-end jobs. Mommy and daddy are no longer holding the safety net. It’s no wonder why the spark died when the real world is so ugly. How do the dreamers like us hold on to the wonder that used to wrap around us so lovingly?
It’s not an excuse. I’m just trying to figure out how to do it, and I didn’t even realize that was what I was doing.
Life experiences, whether it has to do with your writing or not, can change you as a person, and as a writer, it can change how you approach your craft. Over the years, I’ve switched from one job to another. I even tried to work from home, freelancing with transcription. From that, I learned that I need structure in my life and steady work to keep myself going. The life of a freelancer and non-specific hours is not for me. I’ve also learned that I do not particularly appreciate being told what to do. No one does, but I find it to be a struggle of mine, which will be hard to overcome since it happens in pretty much every job.
Something that I am now noticing is that I’ve become lazy with how I formulate my writing. It’s everywhere, honestly, and seems more like word vomit than a cohesive, well-formed thought. Right now, I’m trying to think back to writing essays, which is a fuzzy memory, and how I should be formatting my paragraphs while creating fully formed topics. It’s only been seven years since I graduated from college, it shouldn’t be that fuzzy of a memory!
***I’m going to let y’all in on a little secret. I wrote my final paper while drinking several glasses of wine. You know, the one I technically needed to graduate college, even after I already walked the stage. I got a B+ on it, so I best be able to do this. Shhhh***
Finding The Writer In Me
In my evolution, it has taught me that if I’m to keep going, having structure is my world. It’s the only way I’ll stay focused on what I need to be a better writer. Continuing education is my sustenance. I’m going to have to be my own teacher and my own boss telling myself what to do. The stories of my fellow writers are the air that I breathe. I need to make room for books, art, music, beauty, and the things that put my mind at ease. The person I used to be is the memories that will keep me grounded and remind me that although I am not exactly that person anymore, she’s still there cheering on the writer I want to be.
Sometimes when you feel stuck, it may not be the writing you need to adjust. It might be the writer who needs to adjust. Learn who you are, you’ll find the writer.